Hormones :p

So yesterday I was on a little on the cranky side. There is really no reason so I am going to blame it on hormones. It's not such a good thing to feel so cranky with the work that I do. At the end of the day yesterday I asked my client if I seemed grouch and she replied with a firm "yes". I apologized and told her that I would try to be in a better mood! I was able to fake my way through it today. After working with my client yesterday, I went to work at pizza hut. One of the girls I work with is really mean! She is so bossy and, well, rude! I've know this since the 1st day I saw her. Well she was pointing out everything I was doing wrong and just watching me as I was running around trying to take care of every customer and answering the phone. Well that would probably make anyone feel frustrated! I thought it was noticable that I wasn't happy with her. Later on I apologized for getting so angry at her and she said that she couldn't even tell! I guess I need to learn how to be meaner :). Before that everything was just annoying me though.

This might be way to much information, but I am physically feeling a little better. My cramps aren't nearly as bad as they were a couple of days ago. The bleeding has also gotten a lot lighter too! It was sure uncomfortable and painful when it was bad. I've been trying to see if the HCG hormone is dropping by taking pregnancy tests since I haven't been able to get in to see a doctor. I took one today and it looked about the same as the last one I took. They have all been pretty light, but they are still showing up positive. I just want my body to be regular again so I can move on.

So when I first found out I was pregnant I was really hoping that it would work out and I couldn't think of any reason that it wouldn't so I told a few people at work. It is really hard telling people that I am no longer pregnant. I feel bad because they probably feel akward after I tell them. I would probably feel akward too if i was in their position.

Just another statistic

One normal day in september I woke up and hurried to the restroom so I could take another pregnancy test. Much to my suprise it was positive!! My husband and I stared at the test in disbelief for a while. As time went on we became more and more excited. We immediatly began searching for baby names. We decided on Emma or Samuel. Now we just had to wait 9 months. I spent just over a week imagining life with our new addition and how much fun it was going to be. Then one morning I woke up and noticed that I was bleeding. I knew that wasn't supposed to happen. I went on hoping that everything was going to be ok. Miscarriage wasn't anything I ever thought I'd have to worry about, but it was.

I went to the doctor 3 days later and was officially told that I had miscarried. I was completly devistated. I often wondered what I did wrong. All of my new plans and dream were ripped away from me. I couldn't, nor did I wan't to imagine life differently than I had been. I was told by the doctor that 1 miscarriage is normal and that actually 10 to 20% of known pregnancies actually end in miscarriage, and many people that have them go on to have healthy pregnancies later on. Then she told me I needed to wait a few months to give myself time to heal. After that visit I started blogging miscarriages and became somewhat obsessed with looking at different peoples stories and learning of different opinions doctors gave them. I decided to take there opinions instead of my doctors. I was sure I was emotionally ready to take on another pregnancy

Stubbornly, instead of waiting 3 months to try again I only waited one. I was successful at concieving again, but this time I was so worried all of the time. Everytime I would use the restroom I would look for blood. It was all I could think about. Then about a week after finding out I was pregnant it happend, I started bleeding again. This time I realized that I really wasn't ready to try again. I new I needed to take some time to heal. I went to the doctor again, hoping that they would help me try to figure out what was going on. Then again they told me that stastisically most people who have 2 miscarriages go on to have a healthy pregnancy the next time around. So again I was left with no baby and no answers.

I went into a deep depression for quite a while. It was difficult seeing so many of my friends and family having babies or getting pregnant. I felt so angry and wondered why this had to happen to me. I couldn't stand seeing so many people walking around the mall with their strollers and newborn babies. As time passed I did crawl out of that depression. I had finally learned how to deal with the pain. I was happy with the way life was going.

Finally, last month my husband and I decided to try again. It had been 6 months since my last miscarriage so we definately waited long enough for my body to heal. Well we were successful again! I took 2 pregnancy tests just shortly before I was 4 weeks into my cycle and they were positive. I was feeling somewhat optimistic, but I still had this feeling that something wasn't right. Well that feeling was right. just 3 days ago I started bleeding. I am now on miscarriage number three. This one has been extremely painful in both a physical and emotional sense. You'd think that it would get easier after already having the experience, but it isn't. I do feel that I am stronger than I was the first time and I know that there is life ahead of me, but I still have that void. Now I am considered to be at a high risk for miscarriage. I think that the doctors will start taking me more serious when I get pregnant and want to have things checked out. I hate just being a statistic. I wish that they didn't make me go through this 3 times for it to be considered a problem. I'm not sure what is going on yet, but I will be going to the doctor soon and will hopefully find out. We will be trying again soon. Hopefully next time we can fix the problem early on.