Just another statistic

One normal day in september I woke up and hurried to the restroom so I could take another pregnancy test. Much to my suprise it was positive!! My husband and I stared at the test in disbelief for a while. As time went on we became more and more excited. We immediatly began searching for baby names. We decided on Emma or Samuel. Now we just had to wait 9 months. I spent just over a week imagining life with our new addition and how much fun it was going to be. Then one morning I woke up and noticed that I was bleeding. I knew that wasn't supposed to happen. I went on hoping that everything was going to be ok. Miscarriage wasn't anything I ever thought I'd have to worry about, but it was.

I went to the doctor 3 days later and was officially told that I had miscarried. I was completly devistated. I often wondered what I did wrong. All of my new plans and dream were ripped away from me. I couldn't, nor did I wan't to imagine life differently than I had been. I was told by the doctor that 1 miscarriage is normal and that actually 10 to 20% of known pregnancies actually end in miscarriage, and many people that have them go on to have healthy pregnancies later on. Then she told me I needed to wait a few months to give myself time to heal. After that visit I started blogging miscarriages and became somewhat obsessed with looking at different peoples stories and learning of different opinions doctors gave them. I decided to take there opinions instead of my doctors. I was sure I was emotionally ready to take on another pregnancy

Stubbornly, instead of waiting 3 months to try again I only waited one. I was successful at concieving again, but this time I was so worried all of the time. Everytime I would use the restroom I would look for blood. It was all I could think about. Then about a week after finding out I was pregnant it happend, I started bleeding again. This time I realized that I really wasn't ready to try again. I new I needed to take some time to heal. I went to the doctor again, hoping that they would help me try to figure out what was going on. Then again they told me that stastisically most people who have 2 miscarriages go on to have a healthy pregnancy the next time around. So again I was left with no baby and no answers.

I went into a deep depression for quite a while. It was difficult seeing so many of my friends and family having babies or getting pregnant. I felt so angry and wondered why this had to happen to me. I couldn't stand seeing so many people walking around the mall with their strollers and newborn babies. As time passed I did crawl out of that depression. I had finally learned how to deal with the pain. I was happy with the way life was going.

Finally, last month my husband and I decided to try again. It had been 6 months since my last miscarriage so we definately waited long enough for my body to heal. Well we were successful again! I took 2 pregnancy tests just shortly before I was 4 weeks into my cycle and they were positive. I was feeling somewhat optimistic, but I still had this feeling that something wasn't right. Well that feeling was right. just 3 days ago I started bleeding. I am now on miscarriage number three. This one has been extremely painful in both a physical and emotional sense. You'd think that it would get easier after already having the experience, but it isn't. I do feel that I am stronger than I was the first time and I know that there is life ahead of me, but I still have that void. Now I am considered to be at a high risk for miscarriage. I think that the doctors will start taking me more serious when I get pregnant and want to have things checked out. I hate just being a statistic. I wish that they didn't make me go through this 3 times for it to be considered a problem. I'm not sure what is going on yet, but I will be going to the doctor soon and will hopefully find out. We will be trying again soon. Hopefully next time we can fix the problem early on.